Coaching and the “Angry Dude”
The other day, I was discussing my coaching practice with a gentleman, who, in past 
conversations, has described himself as an “angry dude.” In this recent conversation, he asked, “Do you have any angry dudes as clients?” I responded, “No, I don’t.” He then followed with asking how I would work with someone who considered himself an angry dude.
It is important for clients to be aware of the differences between seeing a therapist and seeing a coach. Coaching is not therapy, and coaches are ethically bound not to offer therapy. I started my response to seeing an angry dude for coaching with telling this gentleman that I am not a licensed therapist.
I then said that an angry dude would need to become aware of his “triggers (the things that make him angry),” as well as why he chooses this particular response. The man looked at me, somewhat puzzled. I continued, adding that we choose our emotional responses to people and situations, so an angry dude chooses to be angry. A therapist would help him look at that.
I also said that there is a benefit or a payoff for an angry dude to choose the anger response, or else he would not choose it. He asked, “Benefit? Payoff?” I said, “There is something that getting angry is doing for the angry dude, something he gets from being angry, or else he would not get angry. A therapist would look at the angry dude’s past, to see how he learned that emotional response as a coping mechanism, and help him learn a new way to cope and deal with people and situations that, in the past, would make him angry.”
Where therapy deals with the past, and how the past affects the present, coaching takes the client from the present and moves him or her forward; it is future-oriented. If an angry dude came to me for coaching, I would first have him talk to me about what he wants to accomplish (the goal or end result) with regard to his anger response. I would ask him to tell me about the present situations in which he chooses the anger response. I would ask if he is currently seeing a therapist, and suggest that he do so if he is not. Therapy would help the angry 
dude unlearn this behavior.
As a coach, I could help the angry dude determine if there is another way to express his point of view or feelings aside from getting angry, that could produce a similar benefit or payoff he was getting from being angry. As a coach, I could help the angry dude with the communication aspect of this challenge; the angry dude would want to consider ways that improve relationships by choosing more positive ways to communicate issues as they arise.
Our conversation ended in an interesting way: the gentleman, the self-professed “angry dude,” told me he would tell his “friend” what I told him.
In closing, I want to re-iterate that clients be aware that coaching is not a form of therapy. Coaching and therapy have different agendas and focuses, which is important for the client to be informed of, to determine the modality that will accomplish the goal the client has in mind.
If you want to know more about coaching, or think coaching might be just what you need to achieve a particular goal, you can contact me by e-mail at james@jameshimm.com, or through the contact form at the LifePlan site.
Your partner in self-discovery and personal growth,
jahsun
January 31, 2012 at 1:09 amgood stuff!!
James
January 31, 2012 at 1:27 amDear JahSun,
Thank you for your response. I’m glad you found this post of interest. I think it is important that people know what coaching is, and what it isn’t. I also think it important for people to understand that we always have a choice in how we choose to respond to the challenges life can throw our way, and that if one response doesn’t seem to be working, people can choose again. Choosing a different response can produce a different result.
Thank you for your support in getting the blog seen by more people; it is greatly appreciated and means so much.
Your partner in choosing healthy emotional responses,
James
Mareeha
February 25, 2012 at 7:40 pmHowdy! I’m at work surfing around your blog from my new apple iphone! Just wanted to say I love reading your blog and look forward to all your posts! Carry on the outstanding work!
James
February 26, 2012 at 12:55 amDear Mareeha,
Thank you for taking the time to surf around the blog. Thank you for the kind words. I’m glad that you are loving what you’ve read. I am also glad that you are looking forward to future posts. I will indeed be carrying on with the work; the blog is a labor of love.
I look forward to hearing from you again soon.
Best to you,
James
Jeanne M
January 31, 2012 at 2:43 amExcellent article. Very informative & well written. Thanks James!
James
January 31, 2012 at 2:03 pmDear Jeanne,
Thank you so much for your response! I am glad you found the article informative. I really do enjoy the writing process, so I am glad people are enjoying the content, and how it is presented.
I hope you continue to come back and find future posts as informative. Thank you for your time and your presence.
Best to you,
James
Karen
January 31, 2012 at 3:16 amGreat point.
James
January 31, 2012 at 1:59 pmDear Karen,
Thank you for the response. With so many things to read on the ‘net these days, I am so grateful that you take the time to read and reply to every post. Thank you for the continued support and for being loyal. It means so much.
Best to you,
James
Tara
February 26, 2012 at 7:26 amThis is one of my fave subjects, anger. Thanks for the post, James. I never looked at it as being something good. Glad I took time out to read this. Bless you, Sir.
James
March 11, 2012 at 11:59 pmDear Tara,
There can be something good in all situations, if we really take the time to look for it. Usually, the good can be found in the lesson of the situation, what it is that we learned from the experience. In much the same way, we can learn a lot about ourselves through the expression of negative emotions, anger among them. I continually learn from mine.
Thanks for reading the post and commenting.
Blessings to you,
James
Bagus
February 25, 2012 at 4:07 pmI totally agree and I have a question. OK, so when I finish someone’s sentences I feel like I am showing them that I understand what they are telling me and that I am actively listening. Does it not come across that way??? I am really curious about this, and I need to learn to stop doing that if it is being rude. I don’t do it all the time, but now that you mention it I need to pay more attention to active listening instead of responding.
James
February 26, 2012 at 12:23 amDear Bagus,
First, let me say thank you for your responding to the post.
Second, I am also glad that it prompted you to write in with your question. My take on finishing someone’s sentences, while in your eyes, can seem like actively listening, might be seen as being a problem for the other person. The other person might think or feel that he or she is not being allowed to finish a thought, or that you are hurrying along the conversation (impatience). In coaching theory, this would be considered “mind reading,” which means you may need to question if you are really listening, or just anticipating what the other person is going to say. As a coach, my question to you is, “What do you get out of doing that? What’s the benefit to you?” Is there a certain way you wish to be perceived when you complete another’s sentences in conversation?
I would encourage you to allow the other person to complete his or her thought without interruption on your part. See how it makes you feel to really listen to the entire thought. I am certain you will see a change in your conversations with others when you do.
I hope that helps you, Bagus. I would love to hear from you in the future and let me know how your conversations are going.
Your partner in interpersonal communication,
James
alfa networks
March 28, 2012 at 6:33 pmAfter looking at a number of the blog posts on your website, I really like your technique of blogging. I book marked it to my bookmark webpage list and will be checking back soon. Please visit my website as well and let me know how you feel.
James
March 28, 2012 at 11:37 pmThank you for taking the time to look at various posts on my blog. I thank you for the compliment on my blogging “technique;” I just write about what I’m passionate about, and I’m guessing that’s what shows in my style and presentation. Thank you for bookmarking the site, and please do come back and check it out.
I will be checking out your site and let you know what I think.
Keeping in touch,
James