James Himm Mitchell’s 3 Tips to Deal with Frustration
I have to confess something: I happen to enjoy pop culture. I’m not as involved in it as I used to be (thanks to my graduate work earning my Master of Arts in Psychology), but I still hang out on its sidelines, nonetheless.
So, last night, I was hanging out on the sidelines, as I just happened to turn on the television to catch “Entertainment Tonight,” the news show that highlights the people and events in the entertainment industry.
The leading story centered on Adam Levine, lead singer of Maroon 5, and one of the celebrity coaches of the hit show, “The Voice.” Being a person who appreciates Maroon 5’s sound, but more importantly, being a coach, I was immediately pulled into the story.
The story was about Levine’s comment on the most recent episode of “The Voice.” According to the report, some of the vocalists on “Team Levine” were being eliminated from the contest; at this point in the contest, the American public has the say in who stays and who goes. Adam, being frustrated with the turn of events, had been heard mumbling, “I hate this country.”
As I watched the report, I felt compassion for Levine and his state of frustration. But I also had the thought that the statement was a bit extreme, given the situation. While I realize the stakes of the competition are reaching its heights, in terms of possible careers being made or broken, in my big picture perspective, it’s just a TV show, and a comment denouncing a country in which he lives and has a successful career, is a bit telling. It makes me wonder how he deals with frustration outside of “The Voice.”
A Client Shares His Frustration
Frustration is the feeling of being upset or annoyed, especially because of an inability to change or achieve something. Frustration is usually caused by an event or circumstance. In my personal and professional experience, frustration is, at its root, the result of being in situations and circumstances which are out of our control.
A client of mine is transitioning into working in his own consulting business full-time. Part of his transition process is remaining at his job until his business gets to the point where he can leave his job (which for him means that his business generates enough income so he is able to pay himself through consulting). He has made some progress in this area, as he left his management position, and has remained in a part-time capacity.
We had a check-in yesterday (before I checked out the Levine story on ET), and he shared with me how he had a difficult and challenging day at the part-time job. When I asked about the feeling connected with what had transpired, he mentioned feeling frustrated. I asked why. He realized that he was frustrated with the elements of the job he couldn’t control, most of which centered around the people, both customers and co-workers (he works in a retail environment).
I sensed this was the same with Levine: he was frustrated with the process of elimination on “The Voice,” as the process is something he can’t control. He can’t control the American public, and its opinion, which is reflected in how it votes.
Paying attention to the repetition of a theme and pattern showing up and presenting itself to me, I knew this was something I wanted to look into a little more deeply.
Frustration is anger that is being poorly expressed. At its core, frustration is about expecting the world, and the people in it, to be a certain way—and being confronted with the reality that the world and its inhabitants are not like us, and don’t see things, do things, or respond to things exactly as we do.
As a result, in the heat of a moment of frustration, we may say or do things (like saying we don’t like this country) that we will have to apologize for at a later time. Here’s the reality: things are what they are—and no amount of ranting and raving is going to change that. However, we can change one thing—and that is our perspective.
My 3 Tips to Deal with Frustration
- Look at the things that cause you to feel frustration.
What causes you to become frustrated? For some of us it may be the speed of people, or the timing of results (which can cause us to become impatient); for some, it may be the slow understanding of facts or a situation by another person (again, becoming impatient because that person is “just not getting it”); for a lot of people it might be the lack of reliability of a person (like when a person habitually shows up late and keeps people waiting); for others, it might be a sense of unfairness or injustice about things that are occurring in your life (which can create a victim mindset); for others still, it might be poor communication that results in something not being done at all, or on time; and finally, wanting things your own way without compromise.
- Think things through, and ask what you could do differently.
As I did with my client, I asked the profound question: “Why?” He quickly realized that he gets frustrated when he can’t control things. For him, it was the lack of speed of the customers he was interacting with, the busy-ness of the environment, and the lack of support from his co-workers.
As we delved deeper, I asked what he could do differently, as he could not change these things about the part-time job. With the customers, he realized he could demonstrate more patience; with his co-workers, he could stop thinking and feeling he was being treated unfairly about the lack of support he was experiencing from them.
What frustrates you? If, for example, being stuck in traffic is a source of frustration, first acknowledge slow-moving traffic frustrates you (accept where you are currently at); then ask yourself what you can do differently: you might consider an alternate route or leaving earlier or later.
For example, I co-host a weekly radio show every Monday evening, and I have to drive to the radio station. The show airs just as rush-hour traffic is beginning to lighten, so I usually get stuck in traffic if I leave shortly before the show airs. What I have chosen to do is leave a few hours before, avoiding the rush-hour traffic altogether. I take my laptop with me to a Barnes & Noble not far from the station, and hang out in the café and get some work done (most of my blog posts are done during this time), and then make the shorter commute as traffic is less congested.
The idea here is to acknowledge the source of frustration (“I feel frustrated because…,” “I get frustrated when….” Pay attention to the words that come after words like because and when—these identify the sources of your frustration.) and then determine what you can do about it.
We get frustrated because we also believe that we are, to some extent, helpless in the situation. The frustration can be a signal that we may need to make different choices and take different courses of action; it’s an invitation to move from being powerless to becoming powerful. When you look at it that way, you can accept the invitation.
- Remember that your frustration is the result of you wanting and expecting things or people to be a certain way.
That being said, when you stop expecting other people to act in a certain way, when you start to look at the world with fresh eyes, then you start to realize that things happen, people are the way that they are, and most importantly of all, how you react matters.
And you can choose a different reaction. Ask yourself what the experience is teaching you: is the lesson for you to learn patience? Compassion? Tolerance? Setting some boundaries? Being more flexible and adaptable?
Letting go of frustration is not an easy, overnight process. As with any learned behavior, it took time to learn it, and it will take time to unlearn it. It will take time but it will happen if you put in a concerted effort to change your perspective.
Here to help you deal,
James