Self-Confidence: What Is It?
“Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.”
~ Goethe
- Have you ever seen the joy and delight at being alive in a baby’s eyes and wondered how you lost that spark?
- When you see someone who seems very self-confident, do you wonder what that person has that you don’t?
- Have you ever put off doing something you really want to do — writing a book or asking an appealing person out — until you feel better about yourself?
- Are you successful in some ways, but underneath still feel that you could be stronger and feel more confident?
What is that thing we think of as self-confidence? Most people think it’s based on the ability to do some things well. For instance, a salesperson might say, “I know I’m great at sales because I’m great at getting prospects’ attention, I know how to close a deal, and I make more sales than anyone else in my company.” A woman might say, “I know I’m beautiful because I can get any man to ask me out.”
The problem with that thinking is that whenever you’re not doing the thing you’re good at, you don’t feel confident. Nobody’s good at everything. In fact, the most accomplished people are only good at a few things. When the salesperson isn’t selling or the beautiful woman isn’t being asked out by a man, they don’t feel confident.
True self-confidence has to transcend what we do. Think about it. Have you ever accomplished something that took a lot of effort and made you feel proud, but you still felt less than confident about yourself in general? Maybe you got that college degree, or bought the house you wanted, or you’re making plenty of money…and there’s a feeling of disappointment because it doesn’t make you as happy or self-confident as you thought it would?
In psychology, this feeling that we don’t really deserve what we’ve earned is described as the Imposter Phenomenon. No matter how much you accomplish or acquire, it won’t satisfy you unless you have self-confidence on the inside. So, what’s missing?
True self-confidence has nothing to do with what you’ve accomplished and everything to do with your belief that you have the ability to do anything you want to do. It comes from the inside. It comes from trusting yourself and committing to yourself that you will do whatever is necessary and most desirable in your life. Whatever you are faced with in life, you will face and deal with. You will take action. You know that because you have made a commitment to yourself.
Self-confidence doesn’t depend on the outcome of those actions, but on your rock-solid faith in yourself to take the actions. Basing your self-confidence on positive results is setting yourself up to fail. The universe – all the people whose good responses you are depending on – can’t be depended on to give you the results you want at all times.
The irony is that the only one you can depend on to give you the results you want is you. You can count on yourself and your commitment to you. You will take action, and you will adjust that action as needed. That is the source of real self-confidence. Of course, every outcome won’t be what you’d like. That’s life, and that’s all right. Your confidence is based on who you are, not what you did. No one or no adverse outcome can take that away from you.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? After all, so much of life is about doing new things and being put in new situations where we have no expertise. Isn’t that what progress is all about? In addition, just because you did something well one time, does that mean you do it well again? Maybe, but maybe not! What you do know is that you’ll do everything necessary to do the best job you can. You’re committed to taking action and following through, whatever it takes. You might go through many stages, changes, and challenges, but you will go through them to the end.
It’s a simple explanation for something as mysterious as true self-confidence. But it’s the truth. Self-confidence comes from your commitment to yourself to take action and to follow through. Easy to understand, but not usually easy to do.
In future posts, I’ll be sharing ways you can do it.
