I had an interesting theme show up in my most recent client sessions this week, and it involved the impact others can have in our lives.

Two sessions stand out: In one, a client mentioned her controlling family members; in another, a client mentioned her controlling husband.

In both, the clients wanted to change the dynamic of these relationships. Part of the change was the desire for the other people themselves to change.

Now, here’s where the rubber meets the road: Others do not change because we want them to change; rather, they change because they want to change.

So, What Do You Want From Others?

So, I approached the idea of changing the dynamic of these relationships another way.

I asked each of these women these questions: “What do you want in these relationships? How would you like them to be ideally? What would these other people have to do to make this relationship work for you?”

For the first woman, she said she wanted her family to accept her the way that she is. For the second, she said she wanted her husband to be more trusting of her.

Then, for the first woman, I asked her this: “In what ways are you not accepting of your family?”

She was stunned by the question. She said that she accepted them.

I asked, “Really? It seems to me that you are not accepting of them any more than they are of you. If you were, why are you trying to change them, like they are trying to change you?”

For her consideration, I suggested this: “Would you consider accepting them as they are? If acceptance is what you want from them, could you consider extending them the same courtesy? Give them what you want from them.”

She understood.

I went further: “What do you want out of this relationship with your family: do you want to be right, or to be happy? You might not get both, so you might need to consider choosing. Which is more important? Being right might suggest you want to hold on to your position, and, you might then be falling into trying to control them, like you feel they are controlling you.”

We then went on to discuss the importance of the need for acceptance from these people, noting both the pleasure to receive it and the pain at the possibility of never getting it. We then brainstormed with possible ways that she could accept herself, and not pin her hopes on the external validation of others.

I also pointed out that we cannot expect others to support the choices we make for our lives anymore than they should expect us to support their choices.

She left the session feeling that she had a lot to consider, and a lot of work to do.

For the second woman, I used a different approach.

She was aware of what she considered to be her husband’s problem. He had a difficult relationship with his mother (she cheated on his father), and as a result he doesn’t trust her. She said that in all the years they were married, she has never given him cause to not trust her.

I asked her to consider the idea that his mistrust of her is not about her, but about him.

I asked her to realize that every time he “shows up” with mistrust, he’s playing an old tape from his past that hasn’t been healed from the pain caused by his mother.

We discussed options she could pursue that might help him heal this emotional wound from his past.

And, as our session concluded, she did something interesting.

She asked if I would accept cash as payment. As we were talking by phone, she would have to send it in the mail and I considered this unwise. She said she didn’t want to pay by check or use a credit card because then her husband would know she had a session with a life coach, and she didn’t want him to find out about it.

I thought, “Isn’t it interesting that she was concerned with her husband not trusting her, yet she is going to conceal something from him?”

This spoke volumes, as it could be said that she didn’t trust him as well. What else might she be keeping from him?

An Exercise to Gain Clarity and Transform Challenging Relationships

Here’s an exercise, for your consideration, in exploring relationships with other people that might be challenging:

•  Take a sheet of paper, and place a “T” bar on it, so it creates two columns.
• At the top of the sheet, write “My Ideal Relationship with __________.” Fill in the blank with the name of the person.
• In the column on the left, write down all the things about the relationship with the other person that you do not like or want. For example, the second client, when doing this exercise about her husband, put “controlling” on this side. Continue until you write everything you can possibly think of.
• When you’re finished, move to the opposite column, and ask, “What do I want instead of this?” and write down that answer. For example, the second client, again about her husband, when asked what she wanted in place of his being controlling, said, “trusting.” I had her write that directly across from “controlling.” For every point you write on the left side, which is what you don’t want, you must have something on the right side, as a declaration of what you do want.
• Then, strike a line through every item on the left. From this point on, you’re to focus on the right side of your sheet. Focus on what you want, and not what you think you’re getting. You can even go one step further, and rip the left side off and destroy it, keeping only the right side. Refer to it as often as needed.
• Then, and this is perhaps the most challenging: Ask yourself, “In what ways could I be more like the person I expect _________ to be?” For instance, I asked my client, “In what ways can you be more trusting? In what areas of your life could you demonstrate more trust? In what other relationships are you not trusting and why?”

In Closing…

As I bring this article to a close, consider this final point: Sometimes, we have to become the person we want others to be.

Your partner in becoming the person you would like others to be,