When we make the decision to move toward what we want for our lives, we will experience things that will appear to be keeping us from what we want.

Some of those things may be obvious and in your face; others may be much more subtle and beneath the surface.

And while some things seem to be an effect of our circumstances, some of these conditions are of our own making.

Realizing What Keeps You from What You Want: A Client Process

Recently, I had a client come to see me about moving forward from her relationship with her former boyfriend, with whom she shares a child. She was considering the option of taking her career into a new direction, and two of the possibilities she was considering would require her to leave the state.

As she sat in the chair, she talked about her roommates and the challenges she was experiencing with them.

“They came into my home, and just took over,” she lamented. “They just come into my room, go through my closet and dresser, take and wear my clothes, and don’t put them back.”

Knowing there was an opportunity here, I first asked, “I’m not sure I understand. Did you invite them to move in with you?”

“Yes. They needed a place to stay, and I wanted to help them.”

“Okay, I get that. So, how did they take over?”

She went back to the situation with the clothes. I then asked, “So, what do you want to get out of this instead of what you’ve been getting?”

“I would like for them to put my clothes back.”

“Really? I just want to be sure I understand: So they can continue to go into your room without your permission, continue to go through your closet and dresser, and continue to take your clothes to wear, just as long as they put them back. That’s what you want?”

Silence.

“Let me tell you what I’m hearing,” I began. “It sounds to me that you haven’t set any boundaries with these ladies when they moved in. You’re talking about them ‘taking over,’ but you need to take responsibility for allowing it to happen. You’re talking as if you’re a victim, and you are—but one of your own making. Now, I want to ask you what you get out of not setting boundaries with your roommates?”

“I don’t want them to think I’m mean, nasty, or rude. I want them to think that I’m nice.”

“Well, there’s your payoff. So, they think you’re nice because you have allowed them to take over. So, are you saying is that it’s more important for you that people think you’re nice rather than standing up for yourself?”

I was betting that this need to be seen as nice was showing up in other areas of her life, so I challenged her to start with her roommates and set those needed boundaries.

As we shifted the conversation to the issue with her ex, I asked, “What do you want to get out of this situation?”

A similar response: “I don’t want him to hate me.”

Now, according to her, he has been displaying power play tactics as they are fighting for custody of their daughter, but she was more concerned with how he viewed her.

The theme of how others see her was showing up again.

And, just like in the situation with the roommates, she was allowing him to treat her in ways that would be considered unacceptable if she were setting up boundaries.

Going deeper, I asked again what she was getting from this. She revealed that she was holding out hope that he would change, that he would be the man she needed him to be.

This was creating a conflict, as she was holding on to this man even as she was saying she wanted to move on.

I said to her, “If you want to move on, you’re first going to need to be willing to let go of the idea, the hope, the fantasy of the man you want him to be—because he is not that man. If you want to be with him, that’s your choice, but you’ll need to accept him as he is, not the idealized version you have in your head. If you want to move on, you’ll need to let him go.”

Even though our conversation was challenging, I was pleased with her response when she left: “I’m going to do my work!”

What Keeps You from Getting What You Want: Questions to Ask

And with that, I want to ask you:

• What is it that you perceive to be keeping you from what you want?
• What are you getting, in the form of a payoff, from that? What’s really going on?
• Could it be that what you are getting is more important to you than what you say you want? If so, why? If not, what could you consider doing differently to move yourself forward, toward what you want?

As always, the questions I pose to you require you to:

• Be honest with yourself
• Accept where you are currently at (when you accept where you are at, you are more apt to change)
• Take responsibility for your part in where you are at (in a way to empower you, not to blame you or beat yourself up)
• Consider other options to explore

For more information about my coaching services, check out the coaching services page here.

Your partner in getting what you want,